Friday, December 11, 2009

So Long Umaga

I'm sure everyone's already heard the news, but Umaga passed away last week of a heart attack. He was only in his late 30s. Umaga was an incredible wrestler who took John Cena, arguably this generation's most dominant pro wrestler, to the limit and even drove the goody two shoes babyface champ to strangle him with the ring ropes. It was the only way Cena could keep "The Samoan Bulldozer" Umaga down. I saw him live at the Breslin Center in East Lansing, MI last year where he tagged with JBL against DX and they tore the house down. Umaga is a legend and I'm sorry to see him go so soon.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Shane McMahon meets with Dana White, Lesnar sick

According to my top secret inside sources, Shane McMahon recently had a meeting with UFC owner Dana White. McMahon recently resigned from his father's company, World Wrestling Entertainment, and rumors have circulated in recent years that Shane is interested in starting or working with a mixed martial arts promotion. Could it be that he aspires to carve out a niche in the world of sports and entertainment that deviates from his father's vision? He would actually be following more closely in his father's footsteps, as Vince McMahon Jr. transformed his own father's more traditional wrestling promotion into the glamorous sports entertainment product of today. Dana White declined to comment publicly about the meeting.

In other news from the mixed martial arts world, former WWE champion and current UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar was recently hospitalized and is suffering from the disease diverticulitis. The disease forms small pouches in the digestive system and will require surgery. Dana White reportedly stated that Lesnar may never fight again. Brock's jiu jitsu trainer, Rodrigo Medeiros, had a much more optimistic outlook, predicting that the champ will be back in fighting shape within six months. Medeiros said "the heavyweights can stop laughing and get ready to start crying because the champion will be back soon".

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sean Mooney Hired By WWE!

It must be the economy, or maybe 80s nostalgia. According to my sources, WWE are unhappy with their current announcers and plan to take make changes, including the rehiring of Sean Mooney. Mooney is best remembered calling matches alongside the late Lord Alfred Hayes on many of 1980s WWF's Coliseum Home Videos.

Here's a video of Mooney and Lord Alfred calling a 1988 match between "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase and Tito Santana:

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Listen, You Pencil Neck Geeks!

Ever since the success of Mick Foley's 1994 autobiography "Have A Nice Day" proved that there is a surprisingly large public interest in wrestling books, the floodgates opened and the books have been pouring in. In addition to Foley, I've read books by Bret Hart, Chris Jericho, and The Fabulous Moolah just to name a few. But while Hart and Jericho's captivating retrospectives have received a lot of well-deserved positive press from the wrestling media, there is an overlooked gem about which I've heard barely a peep. It is the story of the Hollywood Fashion Plate, "Classy" Freddie Blassie. Blassie and co-author Keith Elliot Greenberg guide us through Blassie's incredible story which also functions as a history of professional wrestling itself, from the carnival side shows of the 1930s to the modern world of Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment. We meet many other colorful characters along the way, including such Blassie disciples as "The Rockabilly Rasputin" Johnny Legend, former intergender champion Andy Kaufman, and believe it or not, Regis Philbin, who chose Blassie for his first ever guest on television. Blassie was fond of saying that Regis was nothing before Freddie Blassie, a statement which Regis admits is not entirely without merit. The best thing about the book is that it is written with the same grouchy wit with which Blassie was famous for speaking. We are also treated throughout with firsthand accounts of Blassie's exploits from the aformentioned Johnny Legend and Regis, as well as Vince McMahon, George "The Animal" Steele, The Iron Sheik, and Nikolai Volkoff. Here are some samples of Blassie's wit and wisdom:

On modern wrestling:

Today, the few of us who are still alive from that era debate over whether wrestling was better back then. Some give you this bullshit speech, "In my day..." But when they look back, they're only remembering guys like Lou Thesz. They forget about all the boring matches they had to watch, and all the shitty wrestlers who never drew a nickel. And they ignore people on today's WWE roster. I'm convinced that, in a shoot, Chris Benoit would beat 90 percent of the guys I've seen. Brock Lesnar was the NCAA Heavyweight Champion in 2000, and Kurt Angle a gold medalist in the 1996 Olympics. How much better can you get than that? With all deference to Lou, if Kurt had been around in 1948, he might have been the one who held the NWA title for all those years.

On "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers:

Rogers was a fuckin' prick, and a lot of the wrestlers hated him. In 1962, Karl Gotch and Bill Miller beat the shit out of him in a dressing room in Columbus, Ohio. I heard that Rogers had to flee in a jock strap, nursing a broken hand. If you ever had any dealings with that son of a bitch, you'd understand why Gotch and Miller were driven to violence. There was nobody worse.

On his novelty radio hit "Pencil Neck Geek":

To this day, people bring it up all the time. About a week ago, a fan was telling me, "I was just listening to 'Pencil Neck Geek'. Boy, that was a great song." I thought, "Jesus Christ. This guy is stuck for an answer when you say hello." A great song? Shit. I still haven't learned the words to it.

On Andre the Giant:

Although I liked Andre, I found him revolting...On my birthday one year, he insisted on throwing me a celebration. We went to this narrow diner, where there wasn't a lot of room to move around, with a bunch of the boys. The waiter brought the food out, then Andre went up to the door, held it shut, and let out a big fart. Everybody was choking. And Andre was laughing his ass off. "Eat, eat", he was saying. "Do you think it smells nice?" Needless to say, I lost my appetite. When we left the diner, Andre was still gloating over his rib, and handed me a piece of cake. "You forgot to finish it," he chuckled. "Ho, ho, ho." "Ho, ho, ho, your balls," I said and threw the cake in his face.

Listen, You Pencil Neck Geeks! by Freddie Blassie with Keith Elliot Greenberg was published in 2003. The Classy one passed away later the same year.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Jim Cornette Blasts Republicans And Joey Styles

Wow, I wouldn't have guessed Cornette would be such a diehard Barack Obama supporter. I would love to see a debate between Cornette and Rush Limbaugh on Larry King or Meet The Press. I guess they could invite Joey Styles too. WARNING: Video contains adult language. A lot of it.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Masterpiece To Make WWE Return

According to my sources, former WWE Superstar "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters has signed and new contract with the company and is slated to make his return to television in the near future. Masters was released from his original WWE contract in November 2009 after failing to pass a drug test for the second time. Since his release, Masters wrestled for independent wrestling promotions in the United States, Japan, Australia, and New Zealand. I have a couple of friends living in Portland, Oregon who are big fans and are sure to be crying tears of joy at this news. They know who they are.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Jose Canseco Destroyed In Debut MMA Fight

Former Major League Baseball player and former VH1 star Jose Canseco lost his first professional MMA fight against humongous Korean fighter Hog Man Choi. Canseco lost the fight by knockout in 1 minute and 17 seconds. The referee stopped the fight during a barrage of fists from Choi to Canseco's head while the two fought on the mat. Canseco was then helped from the ring by his celebrity poker player girlfriend Heidi Northcott. He didn't just lose, he lost bad.

Here's a video of the entire fight from TMZ: